Trump's Scottish History: A True Story
After tea with the Queen at Windsor, there were military busbys and gleaming brasses, and the thoughtful, personal gift of an illustrated ancestral chart of Trump’s Scottish heritage.Here is the conversation which followed surreptiously recorded on the mobile phone of a prime ministerial aid, and against all diplomatic precedence, released on to the Internet. So bad! Really
bad! It's not as if our American guest would ever breach protocol!
But here is a transcript.
Trump: Ah, here's my oldest ancestor! Really great! He was the Tossich of Turnberry in Golfshire. 128 AD. He built a wall, a really BIG wall to keep out the Romans. Lots of Italian immigrants. Not good. Really bad! But he made them pay for it. And build it. Then this Hadrian, a nasty man, a really nasty man, should have locked him up, he claimed HE built it! So now people call it 'Hadrian's Wall'.
False News!
Mrs May: So he got married and had a large family. Who was his spouse?
Trump: His wife was Lady Storm of McDaniel, great woman. But he had to pay her off. Told lots of lies. Then he had her executed.
Good guy. What could he do?
Mrs May: What was the next most important thing in your family history?
Trump: No question. Battle of Bannon-burn, 1314. Greatest battle ever. McTrump of Girvan.
Defeated the English single handed and got Scottish independence. Not false news. Just ignored by crooked media. Scottish Chronicles. Bad newspaper.
Then he married Lady Kellyanne of Conway. Daughter of thane Mìcheal Pence of Sterling. Loads more kids. Made lots of noise. So he locked them up. Why not? Great guy. Needed some peace!
Mrs May: Was there not some question about his involvement with Russia? That he had help in staying in power against King Duncan who wanted to exile him?
Trump: False news! That was much later. 1560 I think. McTrump the Bruce. He got married to some Russian woman called Ivanka the Terrible. Nasty woman. But she was very pretty. But very
corrupt. Wanted to be Tsarina. Wanted to control Scotland. But he had a great relationship with her. Got on very well. But he didn't get her to pee on him! False news! I wasn't even there. I mean, nor was he!
Mrs May: I understand that the Trumps, or McTrumps as we should call them, had some problems. They got rid of King Duncan under shady circumstances and with Russian help.
Trump: No, false news. The press got that bigly wrong! He just had to get very, very tough on Duncan. In any case, if there was a plot, and of course, there wasn't. No evidence. Not a shred of
evidence. Ask McBolton.
Mrs May: McBolton?
Trump: Yes, Thane McBolton, the thane of Maryland. He was the guy. Had to go. Not an honest guy. Too ambitious.
It was that Sarah Huckabee Sanders, witch woman, wrote in the Scottish Chronicles, bad newspaper, not like Fox News, said Mueller wood will come to Donald-bane'. But it wasn't him.
McBolton. He did it. The Donald, completely innocent. Great guy!
Mrs May: Surely this is all ancient history.
Trump: (eyes glazing over) Out! Out! Damned Scott (Pruitt)
What, will these tiny hands ne'er be clean?
Mrs May: Donald, are you ok? Your eyes are glazing over and you seem very upset.
Trump: I'll drink water. Sometimes tomato juice, which I like. Sometimes orange juice, which I like. I'll drink different things. But the Coke or Pepsi boosts you up a little.
I don't like this history. It is a tale. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing.
False NEWS!
Mrs May: Anything else?
Trump: We will make Scotland strong again. We will make Scotland proud again. We will make Scotland safe again. And we will make Scotland great again.
Mrs May: I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot. I hope now you have this little gift you will support my version of Brexit.
Trump: I've always said, 'If you need Viagra, you're probably with the wrong girl.'
People love me. And you know what, I have been very successful. Everybody loves me.
But hey? Do you know what 'Grab 'em by Mrs. Fubbs’ parlour means. That was what one of my Scottish ancestors wrote.... the one who learned to write. Great guy!
Mrs May: Oh you ARE awful! (slaps him weakly on the hand). But I DO like you!
